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I reached the breaking point

worry
What should I be focused on?

Its my day off today and I can’t help but, think about what transpired prior to my breaking point.

I work for someone who causes utter craziness in our department.

It’s been a rough year to say the least!

Although, I know there is a purpose in all this.

I’m trying not to get caught up in what continues to manifest.

Unsettling Patterns

Have you ever worked with someone that is all over the place in their thoughts and actions?  How did that work out for you?  I would like to be perfectly honest and tell you that I hit my breaking point because, I am working an average of 10 to 12 hours a day, my phone is to be left on 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

I can do all this as long as I am in bed around 7:00 pm and I can sleep till around 5:00 am.  If my sleep time is decreased my body becomes weary and weak.  I believe its important to not let my exhaustion show when it comes to others.

Its Sunday, I am told that I have to drive out of town for work.  Meanwhile I was up at 4:40 am that day to go do my prison ministry. I had to come home and pack fast to hit the road. I had a 4 1/2 hour drive ahead of me. When I finally arrived around 11:30 pm that night.

It was nearly impossible to fall right asleep, my body needed time to shut down. I woke up exhausted because, this is not enough sleep time for me.  Plus, the turmoil I went through with my boss, basically, who was giving me an ultimatum.

The Mind

My mind would not shut off long enough for me to fall asleep or stay asleep.  So, lets just say I got about 3 hours of sleep that night.

After I did what I needed to do that next morning (which involved more craziness) due to my bosses inability to plan ahead.  I headed out. On my way home, my arms and hands started to tingle and felt numb so I decided it was important to pull over.  I notified my boss and our new officer via email.

As I sat in the car, my emotions started to pour out of me.  I asked God why and how can a person like this do this to me? I can’t deal with them any longer!  Why am I allowing them to affect my health and well being, this is unacceptable!

Eventually, I decided I was okay enough to get back on the road and as I was driving and listening to my radio (playing Christian music) or (listening to Christian preaching). I hoped it would get my mind off all that has manifested.

Shelter Me

As I continued driving I realized I wasn’t getting any better.  So, I started looking for shelter. As, I walked to the hotel registration I could barely stand.  I felt weak and weary and I was short of breath. I was blessed to be able to get a room. The summer months can be a bit challenging when it comes to hotel vacancy.

As soon as I got to my room and laid down I emailed my boss and our officer. I told them I needed to pull over and get some rest, I needed sleep and I don’t know what is going on with my arms, hands numbness and tingling.

Shortly, after the email went out the officer phoned me out of concern for my health and well-being.  I said, I am beyond exhausted and I need to take care of myself.  He asked if he could pray for me. I said, most definitely. He asked that I call him letting him know how I am feeling.

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His Creation Can Be Creative

creation

Be Creative!

My beginning was His creation.

I come from a family of bakers, my grandfather started the legacy then, he passed it to my father and my uncle and they passed it onto their spouses and then their children.

Because, I have fond memories of being a daughter of a particular baker; my father. I would like to pass along my journey as a daughter of a baker and as a child that once was lost, but, has since been found.

We were created with a purpose and for a purpose.

  • Wondering what my/your purpose is?
  • Have you done something in particular that you like when it comes to other people?
  • What does God want to do through me?
  • Why was (ingredient) or (you) created for?
  • Was it to feed or fuel us?

Allow Me To Illustrate

Beginning with Baking Ingredients

Baking ingredients have multiple uses and there are some ingredients that do not do well together. There are some ingredients that can cause some pretty bad outcomes. Forgetting an ingredient can cause something to not rise, sink or sulk.

Cake Decorating Creation

Whether it is decorating a baked cake or covering up a mistake, the mistake is still there. We may have covered it up but,  know that” the cover up is only temporary. We think that not seeing the mistake it will remain hidden, well I have some news for you!

Decorating Icing Has Its Purpose

When you ice over a torn piece of cake, you will need to use a whole lot of icing to cover it up.  If you are using spatula you will need to have the right amount of icing and the right consistency of the icing.   All in hope that you will not cause the cake to crumble more, these decorating cover ups (mistakes) are much like our sins.

Icing Crumbs

Upon the first attempt you may get a lot of cake crumbs mixed up in your icing.  Know that these crumbs are still being exposed.  The multiple icing layers may cover up the mistake for a short span of time.  Sooner or later the icing will start giving way.  The icing will pull away from the cake because, the damaged area had no foundation to hold onto.

Eventually, the cake will crumble and the covered piece will fall away.  This is much like our life experiences, you know the things that we kept hidden, deep inside of us.

Where should we start?

Cake Foundation

The cake must be on a hard surface so we can move it with out it crumbling. Our life, must have a firm foundation too and that firm foundation is God!

Creation

What do you want your cake to look like?  Does the cake contents matter more than the exterior decoration?  How do we become a new creation? We must spend time reading the bible.  Eventually you will learn why things have happened and continue to happen.  If you want to change that you too can by becoming a new creation.

When In A Relationship

Relationship

Over a course of time we seem to loose the excitement and suspense in this thing we call a relationship.  Is that mostly because, we won each other over another person of choice?

  1. Now that we have won them over, where is the challenge?
  2. Why aren’t you seeking them out, or cherishing every waking moment with them (once you are married).
  3. Where is the passion you had for one another?
  4. Is this why so many want to be single, because, of the excitement of the unknown?
  5. What is thing called Love?
  6. Are their conditions, expectations when it comes to time together?

Noah – Blameless Servant Of God

wonderful light

Noahs Ark

Noah was a blameless servant of God.

We usually associate the word “freedom” with the right to live as we please and pursue our ambitions and dreams. However, Jesus spoke of a deeper aspect of freedom that pertains to the state of our souls. God wants to free us from every internal form of bondage that prevents us from becoming the person He created us to be. This kind of freedom is not achieved by war and revolution but by the knowledge of truth. Jesus said, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (John 8:31-32).

Source: Noah – Blameless Servant Of God

My Private Conversation With An Incarcerated Child

Private Conversation

The Incarcerated Child’s Request 

Who knew a child’s request to have a private conversation with me would be an answer to her prayer request. Saturday, was our normal day that we would go into the juvenile hall.

Last minute phone call
Prior to going into the juvenile hall, I received a phone call. I was asked to get the girls set up and ready to go.

The program coordinator would arrive soon with an agenda. He asked that I share my testimony with the girls, until he arrived.

I planned on being there for only one hour. That was not Gods plan! When I arrived and as I looked out into the fifteen or so girls eyes. I recognized only three of the girls from the week prior. I will re-share my testimony.

A New Inmate Wanted To Have A Private Conversation With Me
A girl who just arrived a week earlier, sought me out via an officer. In order for the girl and I to speak she needed to complete an application.

This little girl said, she needed to speak to me right away. I asked her if she wanted to meet today, she said, yes, please.

An officer asked the rest of the girls if they wanted to complete a mentor application, much to our surprise they all completed the application accept for two of them.

It was lunch time for the girls and I too had to go grab lunch. I returned an hour later to met up with this little girl. As we got to know one another through our private conversation she said, I am sorry if I get emotional, but, I need to share with you what happened to me and why I requested to speak with you. I prayed before hand and asked God to show me a sign, then, you spoke about your book. God showed me you as I listened to your story. I want to ask you if you are okay with my grandma calling you, I said yes, please have her call me.

Parents Bad Choices
You see…this little girls parents are not allowed to be in her life all because, of their bad choices that they continued to make. This little girls grandma has always been in her life. This little girl told me her and her grandma stopped going to church. Mostly because, her grandma became sick. This adorable little girl got caught up with a boy. The boyfriend believes in God too. He is,being held responsible for obtaining money doing illegal things. He too shared with me in a different setting that it is all because of his home life. This young man is going to be a father to this little girls unborn child.

God shows up more after our private conversation. As I was requesting to meet with another person, this little girl went back to wait for an officer to pat her down prior to going back into general population. During this wait time, a volunteer came in that this little girl happened to know. This volunteer was the principle at her school.

The Follow Through From Our Private Conversation
This little girl followed up on her word to me. It was about three days later that I received a phone call from her grandma. The grandma and I spoke for sometime. The grandma said, she knows her grand-daughter will be released and she is going back to church with her grand-daughter. I explained to her when she gets out we can mentor her but, only with your approval. Lets just say she was ecstatic and said, yes, yes, yes that would be wonderful. I also advised her of listening to a podcast, sermons on-line, if she is unable to attend church. She said, I will but, we are finding a way to get back to church. The grandma said because she needs to be at the bible studies too. She said, I know my grand-daughter has learned her lesson.

It all starts with a slow leak

armor

Challenging Leaks

If you start seeing these (signs) leaks, you are now aware and know that you must remain distant! These.small leaks can lead to catastrophic events.

How are you:

  • keeping it all together under the circumstances?
  • able to work?
  • staying positive?
  • living with it?
  • going about your daily life?

I thought I knew the reason why I was able to actually function through such a tragic event.

My Thoughts

  • My thoughts about my desire to continue on with my daily life was multifaceted. I thought it was because, I was strong. or because, I have children.
  • I’m supposed to take the bull by the horns and forge ahead.
  • I thought it was because I am being responsible, why would I let______drown me or should I say take control of me.

Slow Leak

Their true character will leak out eventually

  • An individuals true character can and will hide only for so long.
  • The derogatory remarks start coming out of their mouths about you.
  • Belittling words start to leak out here and there.
  • Their mannerisms start to come out too
  • True character starts appearing like a leaky faucet.
  • These individuals presents themselves to you like they are well put together but the inner presence (evil spirit) comes out here and there, anger, rage, control, Narcissistic behaviors.

Its All About Them!

They love to flatter you

  • they flaunt about having money, they
  • buy you things, they
  • boast about how they are successful, they
  • brag all the time about themselves.

They say hurtful things to you

  • they start talking about your appearance,
  • how you speak, how you talk with and to others, they
  • tell you are not doing this right or that right.

The Game of Blame when you try talking to them about how you are feeling and how you will never live up to their expectations, they start saying mean things, they make you feel like you are worth nothing, they blame you for their messiness, etc.

It’s over or is it? You decide you are done, you want to leave but, they talk you out of it. They even tell you that you are going to regret this decision of yours, they beg and plea with you to stay, things go well for a bit, then the cycle starts again.

  1. How many times are you going to repeat these events with (this particular type of person)?
  2. When is enough, enough?
  3. What can I do to remove my self from these elements?

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”Joshua 1.9

This is why I was able to survive and remain steadfast.

In The Beginning

earth

The World

In the beginning He created earth

The First Day

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

The Second Day

And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.” So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it. And it was so. God called the vault “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

The Third Day

And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so. God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And God saw that it was good. Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

The Fourth Day

And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.

The Fifth Day

And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

The Sixth Day

And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

Genesis 1:1‭-‬31 NIV

 

 

The Car Was Just The Start Of The Unknown

car

It was the day before my question about the car was answered. The car I was driving at this time was a 1964 1/2 Ford Mustang. I was on way to pickup my son from school when the motor started hesitating. On August 16, 2011, I looked up into the sky and asked God this question, God can my life get any worse? I will admit to you right now, to my dismay, the question I had asked God was answered less than 24 hours later. Have you ever asked God a question and expect or at least hope for answer sooner rather than later?

Before, I tell you what happened you will need to understand why it happened the way it did.

 

Verdict

Verdict

Yours Or Theirs?

Who’s verdict is it? I hope you are ready to hear about some of the trials that took place in my life. I call them trials because, you never will know the verdict till you go to trial and sometimes when you come out of the trial you still do not know. When you are in trial you are either innocent or guilty. My feeling now is you are guilty till proven innocent, that is why you are in a courtroom. Imagine Judgement Day, when God says I don’t know you. I know firsthand if we made good choices we wouldn’t be questioning ourselves as much.

We are human beings living in a sinful world, we need to wear our armor each and everyday. The devil looks for our vulnerableness.

We may be committing sin and not even think much about it till you walk away or something bad happens. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 2:9 If this is so, then the Lord knows how to rescue the Godly from trials and to hold the unrighteous for punishment on the day of judgement. Job 19:29 It is said, God stores up the punishment of the wicked for their children. Let him repay the wicked, so that they themselves will experience it Job 21:19

Workout Struggles

workout opportunities
Do I Have What I Need To Get This Workout Done?

Do I truly have what I need when it comes to my workout struggles?  I’m struggling to understand my inability to workout when, I have what I need to get the job done.  I know I need to workout somehow, someway and its only because, it makes me feel better.

Do you ponder the need to shower, washing or styling our hair? How about the need to get ready for another event taking place. How about living in a drought zone when you are charged for all the water you use.

Eventually, I talk my self out of working out after work because of the energy I get from it which would prevent me from getting a good nights sleep.

Work Gym

I have a gym at work and at home yet I struggle with using it.

Why my working out at work doesn’t work for me is because, I would get hot and sweaty.

Bringing workout clothes to work would allow me to change my clothes then, I can head home after my workout.  But, then I think about traffic so I tell myself I will work out when I get home.  When I arrive at home my home-life gets in the way; either because, I am exhausted, or because, I need to do household chores, make a meal or provide a meal for my family or its just pure laziness.

My Workout Struggles To Pay Or Not Pay

When I pay for a membership somewhere I push my self to workout because, of the money I am spending, so I need to get my dollars worth out of it.  Then, there is the question can I even afford to pay this fee to workout.  Then, I think about the long-term expense and yet there is the long-term benefit of working out.

God created this body, I need to take care of it period!  What I put in my body can cause good and bad outcomes.  In the long run, it can affect the span of my life.

Lord, I need help in maintaining a regular regimen.  I cannot do it on my own because, of all the reasons I have listed above.

Open My Eyes To Another Way Of Workout

Although, I enjoy walking among-st all Your beauty, I get to hear the birds chirping and see what you created; the trees, the flowers, the creatures crawling on the earth.

Then, I see what we created, the roads, signs, vehicles and structures that impede your beauty.

I even think about the weeds growing that are green and that don’t require our care and the weeds even look beautiful.

I know if I focused on myself as you have created me to be and accept it. Or, I can damage what was good or I can take care of what you created for good.

I think about all that is transpiring in this world right now.  There is so much pain and suffering going on in this world and in my body. Are the end of times at hand for this world and for my body or is this just the beginning?

Our physical being is what we are focusing on, we are focused on; how we look, what we wear and we have we have forgotten what we enjoy and the joy we get out of how we feel. How we feel has been shut down, because, we have to deal with what is here and now.  We have lost focus on our ultimate purpose which is life here and now.  When we have You and make You our daily focus we look forward to eternity with You.

So, it’s time to get to work and workout all that is manifesting in us and around us!

To Trust The Persecuted

Trust

To Trust or Not to Trust

To trust or not trust others. Should you trust others after the verdict?

  • Do you or did they have all the facts?
  • Do you or did they have circumstantial evidence?
  • Is it hearsay?

Do you keep your thoughts in your head for a bit before you open that mouth of yours?  Did you pray about it?  Is there a need to speak up? Is this story based on gossip? Are you putting yourself in vulnerable situations?

There are people that watch, listen and hear what they are being told and not even know if it’s true or not.

I persecuted the followers of this Way to their death, arresting both men and women and throwing them into prison, as the high priest and all the councils can themselves testify. I even obtained letters from them to their associates in Damascus, and went there to bring these people as prisoners to Jerusalem to be punished. Acts 22:4-5

Slow Your Role

You never know when your life will start over but, trust that it does start over, it starts over all the time. We must ask Him for forgiveness.

We must strive to keep a positive attitude!  Even if this means a new way of thinking.  Today, is a great new day! All things are new in it!

A new Day

It’s a brand new day! Today is a fresh do over or we can even go as far and say its a start over!

Everyday, is a fresh new start, because you can never say it is tomorrow, because in reality it is today.

To live in the past

Its our choose to live in the past which would look like us getting in our car and looking in the rear view mirror driving backward down the road (in reverse).  Which basically means you won’t be putting your car in drive.  Which means you won’t be moving forward or trusting.

We must move forward in life, seeking and walking.

No sense of direction

We will not be running because, hastiness will cause havoc.  Trust that I know that all too well. My father had a nickname for me, he would say slow down ‘hurricane’! I would never do anything slow!

Should’ve Could’ve

Why follow directions? I had to learn how to slow down although, it took till my 40’s to figure this out and trust that my ways were not the right ways.

If you don’t slow down you may miss the turn that you were supposed to take. How far are you going to head down this road till you turn around or trust this nudging?  Did you realize you lost your direction? How much farther till you realize that I am going the wrong direction? If I have no destination I won’t know where I am headed which could cause you to feel and be much like doorathee from whiz-herd of awhz. Who do I trust?

I know the older I get I tend to have a mentally thought process of saying “I should of” or “could’ve” which can equate to pure misery. If only I would have listened to my parents when I was younger. Parents are sharing their life experiences with you for a reason! Parents are trying to save you the pain and agony they suffered.

We will make many mistakes; which will cause you to make some u-turns, you may even hit some bumps, or you may even hit some chuckholes along your way. The bumps and chuckholes can lead to some major damage and it may be all because, you didn’t want to listen to your parents advice. Advice is knowledge from experience!

Knowledge

Gain more of it! How do I gain more knowledge? Where do I obtain knowledge?

I recommend that you go on a mission trip. Trust me when I say you must go on a mission trip so you can be a blessing to others.

Having a vast amount of knowledge can go a long way. Our past started from scratch.  It’s never too late to start from scratch (start over) fresh new thoughts can and will become great things. Give it a try!

Experience

Do you need experience? Yes! If you have no experience you may need to seek it out through volunteering.

  • Be unique try something different.
  • Why hold out on learning more?
  • What are the advantages and disadvantages of obtaining this experience you are attempting through volunteering?

Before Jesus I Trusted To Easily

  1. What did you think or know about God? I felt God was not there for me because bad things continued to happen to me. I was molested around seven years old.
  2. What did you think about yourself? I thought I was a good person and I did not deserve what happened to me and all the other things that continued to happen to me throughout my life.
  3. What motivated you to do something? At this time in my life I didn’t know or understand what unconditional love was and how I could obtain it.
  4. What were you afraid of? Others opinions of me.

Which one of these questions is easiest and most difficult to answer?

Why?

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